I just realized how depressing my life is.
my daily schedule starts at 13-14 and ends at 2-4. I spend almost the entire day with my phone, my laptop or watching youtube on the TV. on my phone I simply chat with my friends and scroll tiktok and reddit. I use my TV as an extra layer of isolation, where I don't want (or I feel like I want, but I don't actually want) anyone remembering I exist. because youtube is the only platform that doesn't show anyone else when am I online.
days pass like hours. hours pass like minutes. I sometimes even skip meals because either I'm late for them or just, I don't know.
on my laptop I use Arch (btw). and I try to seek the absolute minimalism (I use i3, no wallpaper (feh is broken for some reason), no animations (even though I have configured picom and can easily toggle it back on), barely any themes (I hate qt5/6ct), monospace fonts (jetbrains mono), grayscale color palette (nullscapes, a geometry dash level)), which indirectly brings a feeling of emptiness that causes (or helps cause) depression.
I used to play a lot of games (I have like 130 in my shared Steam library), but nowadays I barely play a few. I mainly play Geometry Dash, semi-hard levels like future funk (hard demon, 97%, 7k attempts so far), bloodbath (extreme demon, 54-92 in two runs, 42k attempts so far), shitty acheron (unrated but I'd say it's a hard demon, 72-100 in three days, 4300 attempts so far). but at the same time, this game in particular, makes me feel like even if I try really hard, no one will care. no one will care if I just beat a hard demon. no one will care if I beat an entry extreme demon. no one will care if I fail. level creation standards are extremely high, so I can't even do *that*.
my mom goes to work at the capital, very often my stepfather goes with her, and my little brother stays at grandma's. so I spend the whole day alone. in peace. I'm an introvert so it feels like heaven. until it doesn't, until everything becomes dark. until I don't want to turn the lights on because I feel like just *my* presence is not enough to justify the cost of turning a light on; even if that thought I just wrote down doesn't make any sense.
the music I listen to... it used to be extremely energetic EDM, dubstep, etc. now it's just very chill breakcore, and a bit of hyperpop to keep my energy alive. music that, if I'm feeling weak, gets a tear out of my eye. for no reason. it's simply too calm, and it comes out. with a yawn, that's the only thing that gets my tears out.
I have a girlfriend, sixteen thousand kilometers away, with a 10-hour timezone difference. our relationship is greatly text-based. I feel like I need to constantly get people's attention, including hers. but she said "you already have my attention". I believed her. nothing changed.
last message I got from her was on Wednesday. it's already Saturday. if I didn't have my phone's calendar, I wouldn't have even noticed.
her absence makes me forget she even exists. I forget I have a girlfriend. I forget I'm no longer (that) single. being bisexual doesn't help, since it makes me feel attraction to both genders instead of just one like everyone else.
I never cry. I hardly ever cry. men don't cry.
but I'm not a man. I'm non-binary (he/they). I still don't cry though.
I've minimized myself into a ghost that I can barely see. I can function under stress, trauma, I can get anything thrown at me at still work like usual. or at least that's what I think.
divorced parents? no problem.
loneliness? no problem.
autism? no problem.
social anxiety? no problem.
absent father/paternal figure? no problem.
being excluded by my friends? no problem.
being forgotten by old ones? no problem.
friend attempting suicide? no problem.
a silent girlfriend? no problem.
systemd-boot broken? big problem.
de hecho, no sé por qué estoy escribiendo en inglés, si mi idioma nativo es español.